SARAH
'Still I Rise' (2017)
"In February of this year, I found myself physically, mentally and emotionally broken by a traumatic car crash that I still can't put into words or really make sense of.
It was April when me and Diogo had our first proper conversation about the portrait. I was still in a neck brace, still too anxious to use public transport on my own, and still on a seemingly endless waiting list for NHS talking therapy. Diogo came over, sat on the bed with me and the cats, and we talked about everything. And I mean ev-er-y-thing: Memories, and blanks. Nightmares, fears, hopes, and dreams. Shame, guilt, anxiety, despair, confusion, grief, pain. The past, present and future. Things that are public knowledge, and things that I'll probably take to my grave. It felt like the therapy that I so desperately needed at that point.
We shot the photo in Bourne Wood, near Farnham in Surrey. Recom Farmhouse created the CGI concrete block – Diogo's symbol of that hard, brutal intrusion into the landscape of my life, that I've had to learn to live with rather than futilely punching at with my fists. There's a dark weariness and isolation in the photo. I'm exhausted, despairing, and covered in mud, but I'm hopeful. I'm learning to let go, to comfort myself, and to let the moss take root. And I'm held by the starry universe of the ground below me, seeking for a place of safety and comfort. I can't look towards the future just yet, but it's out there, beyond the wall.
There are so many elements of the photo that mean really personal things to me, but what I love too is how those around me see it - and particularly what Diogo has to say:"
For Sarah's portrait, I was interested in capturing a state of mind rather than a specific point in time. It's not about the past, the present, or the future. In a way it encapsulates all three, depending on the way you look at it, but to me it became important to create a photo that referenced various points in time of her journey. When I look at it, I see an incredibly beautiful woman who is learning to trust that the ground underneath her will hold her, despite changes to her personal landscape. It's so easy for all of us to forget about trust; trust in ourselves, trust in other people and the environment that surrounds us. The first time I saw Sarah, I really felt her pain and could see doubt was very much present in her mind, so I knew I wanted to incorporate this in the portrait.
"One of my best friends said the photo feels dark and lonely, and I guess I've felt a lot like that in recent months – though not for a lack of loving people around me. My husband says it has a Stranger Things feel for him, as if I'm in my own personal Upside Down – disconnected, parallel to the real world but not currently quite part of it.
To me it feels like a kind of acceptance of everything that has happened. It is what it is. For better or worse, I survived – albeit with plenty of metaphorical dirt under my fingernails and twigs in my hair. In many ways, it's an emotional snapshot of everything that's slowly begun falling into place for me recently. That it's okay to grieve and to struggle. That it's not weak to need to rest, heal and recover before embarking on the dark, wild forest of whatever lays ahead. That I am who I am, regardless of the changes to my landscape. I can't thank Diogo enough for stepping in when words failed me."